I'll admit that I'm a very sensitive being. I experience my reality through my feelings and my emotions, and while it might sound awesome, profound and simply amazing, I want to say that -at least for me- it has not been as cracked up as it seems to be. For sensitivity to be a blessing, you need another factor in the equation: temperance. And quite frankly, I'm a rather extremist, unbalanced, completely contradictory, sometimes more incoherent and incongruous than I would like to take credit for, with no control over my reactions whatsoever. For me, being sensitive has been a curse more than it has been a gift.
Why is it that I always come back to this when I hurt someone I care about and that someone points out that I'm rather cruel and harsh and irrational when I'm feeling strongly about something? Why is it that all my insecurities and my fears come out after that red flag arises and I feel that I'm about to get kicked out or dumped or...?
A few months ago, I stumbled upon a fantastic Ted Talk given by PhD Brené Brown, in which she said something that's been stuck on in my head all this time. She said "Courage [...] the original definition is to tell the story of who you are with all your heart". The point of this phrase was to show that the more courageous people -those who lead happier, more fulfilling lives- were the ones who dared to be imperfect and... vulnerable. And my not-so-little-control-freak-and-power-obsessed-self has always had an issue with vulnerability. I know a couple of people who told me this, way before I could comprehend it: part of me thinks they would be glad that I finally got the message across, and another part of me can't help but think that they would be overjoyed for how miserable I'm feeling as I write this piece of reflection.
I know I'm not perfect. And I don't want nor intend to be perfect, a topic that never fails to get my mum and I on a boxing arena: she's perpetually trying to get me to change into someone that I instinctively know I can't ever be. My dad too, although I don't usually fight with him. the topic is never really important: they just want me to change. Whether it is my (lack of) a proper lady-like dressing style, my attitude and my temper, the music I listen to, my physical appearance, my sexual orientation, there's just always something else they wish I was. How can anybody feel worthy, secure and safe being courageous and vulnerable, when all they hear is criticism and words that urge you to morph into somebody else?
I like to think I know myself: I'm overwhelming and overbearing ans pig-headed. I tend to give too much and forget about reciprocity and self-respect. I love passionately everything and -almost- everyone I cross paths with. I'm a spoiler: I love to indulge those who are close to my heart. I often settle for a lot less than what I know I deserve or set the standard I have to meet rather high in comparison to what I ask of others. I trust too much. I get angry quickly and it goes away even more quickly, and I forget that people cant forget that as quickly as I do. I don't know how to demonstrate that I love someone, that I appreciate them, that I'm grateful for them, that I am really sorry that I've messed up things. I don't communicate well at all. More often than not I don't feel worthy of many of the blessings I have in my life. I think too much. I talk about myself a lot more than it is probably healthy. I don't know how to listen, but I would like to learn to do so.
Do all of these qualities make me beautiful? Maybe. Maybe Not. Maybe beauty is, in fact, in the eye of the beholder. Do any of these defects makes me worthy? I dunno. Perhaps I am worthy because I'm a human being, if for nothing else.
Ps. Watch the video. I swear it is one hell of a reflection it induces to.
Why is it that I always come back to this when I hurt someone I care about and that someone points out that I'm rather cruel and harsh and irrational when I'm feeling strongly about something? Why is it that all my insecurities and my fears come out after that red flag arises and I feel that I'm about to get kicked out or dumped or...?
A few months ago, I stumbled upon a fantastic Ted Talk given by PhD Brené Brown, in which she said something that's been stuck on in my head all this time. She said "Courage [...] the original definition is to tell the story of who you are with all your heart". The point of this phrase was to show that the more courageous people -those who lead happier, more fulfilling lives- were the ones who dared to be imperfect and... vulnerable. And my not-so-little-control-freak-and-power-obsessed-self has always had an issue with vulnerability. I know a couple of people who told me this, way before I could comprehend it: part of me thinks they would be glad that I finally got the message across, and another part of me can't help but think that they would be overjoyed for how miserable I'm feeling as I write this piece of reflection.
I know I'm not perfect. And I don't want nor intend to be perfect, a topic that never fails to get my mum and I on a boxing arena: she's perpetually trying to get me to change into someone that I instinctively know I can't ever be. My dad too, although I don't usually fight with him. the topic is never really important: they just want me to change. Whether it is my (lack of) a proper lady-like dressing style, my attitude and my temper, the music I listen to, my physical appearance, my sexual orientation, there's just always something else they wish I was. How can anybody feel worthy, secure and safe being courageous and vulnerable, when all they hear is criticism and words that urge you to morph into somebody else?
I like to think I know myself: I'm overwhelming and overbearing ans pig-headed. I tend to give too much and forget about reciprocity and self-respect. I love passionately everything and -almost- everyone I cross paths with. I'm a spoiler: I love to indulge those who are close to my heart. I often settle for a lot less than what I know I deserve or set the standard I have to meet rather high in comparison to what I ask of others. I trust too much. I get angry quickly and it goes away even more quickly, and I forget that people cant forget that as quickly as I do. I don't know how to demonstrate that I love someone, that I appreciate them, that I'm grateful for them, that I am really sorry that I've messed up things. I don't communicate well at all. More often than not I don't feel worthy of many of the blessings I have in my life. I think too much. I talk about myself a lot more than it is probably healthy. I don't know how to listen, but I would like to learn to do so.
Do all of these qualities make me beautiful? Maybe. Maybe Not. Maybe beauty is, in fact, in the eye of the beholder. Do any of these defects makes me worthy? I dunno. Perhaps I am worthy because I'm a human being, if for nothing else.
Ps. Watch the video. I swear it is one hell of a reflection it induces to.
