Seven weeks. It’s been seven weeks since I couldn’t control my insecurities and my jealousy. As unfounded and unreasonable as those feelings always are, they were all it took me to completely ruin whatever little happiness my life had. I was, am desperately hopeful that this situation at least bothered you a tiny little bit. However, as time goes by, I can only see that it meant nothing... that I meant nothing. And though you were my best friend, the one that advised me not to fall in love for you, you just let me act as stupid as I am. I left without any reason or explanation, thinking that you would get worried and call, that you would show how important I am... was to you. But it never happened.
Just three weeks ago, I broke down. All my pride and pretended sufficiency crumbled when unconsciously, my fingers dialled your number. Believe me, I did try to repress and suppress the urgency to contact you. I confess that your indifference hurt me and my defence mechanism came into action, trying to convince my self that I shouldn’t care if you didn’t. Then again, the irrational part of me has always won over what I know, or think, that I should do. I tried to come home to you; I embraced you in front of everybody, trying to make you see that my surrender was unconditional. Perhaps that was my second gravest mistake, for you had explicitly asked for no public signs of affection. But I couldn’t really help myself when I missed a little too much your skin and your arms around my body, so I tricked my mind into believing that you had returned my hug.
For four weeks, my heart had been tortured: freezing with your complete lack of interest, your scorn, your coldness and yet, whenever I saw you, it burst into fire with all my hurt, my forgiveness and the love I feel for you, even though I’ve always known you despise it. I whispered in your ear a request my head had prohibited.
“I need to talk to you. I don’t want, I NEED to talk to you. I miss you so much…”
Your response was as evasive as I knew it would be.
“Give this week. Right now I have more pressing matters in my mind.”
I told you I would wait, meanwhile, time continued to scurry away. One day... three days... the weekend came and went and I didn’t hear from you. I began thinking that you had forgotten all about me, that maybe I had really messed things up; that’s when I decided to just [leave; to never disturb your life again, given as you had already erased my existence from it and you were trying to erase yours from mine. Consciously or not, everyday you slither away from me, you are cutting my soul. Bit by bit, you're leaving the hole of your absence; my hollow chest is where the rest of my body and existence are joined together. Each glimpse my eyes catch of you is a drop of acid to the remains of my heart...
To this day I am waiting. In my dreams you keep coming back, holding me and saying that it doesn't matter what I did; that you forgive me and that you will, in time, trust in me again; that you won't ever let me leave and that you will be patient and shake some sense into me or wait for me if I ever do that once more. Whatever it is left of my heart still consumes itself in the flames of the love I have for you.
I'm sorry, and I miss you so, so much...
Just three weeks ago, I broke down. All my pride and pretended sufficiency crumbled when unconsciously, my fingers dialled your number. Believe me, I did try to repress and suppress the urgency to contact you. I confess that your indifference hurt me and my defence mechanism came into action, trying to convince my self that I shouldn’t care if you didn’t. Then again, the irrational part of me has always won over what I know, or think, that I should do. I tried to come home to you; I embraced you in front of everybody, trying to make you see that my surrender was unconditional. Perhaps that was my second gravest mistake, for you had explicitly asked for no public signs of affection. But I couldn’t really help myself when I missed a little too much your skin and your arms around my body, so I tricked my mind into believing that you had returned my hug.
For four weeks, my heart had been tortured: freezing with your complete lack of interest, your scorn, your coldness and yet, whenever I saw you, it burst into fire with all my hurt, my forgiveness and the love I feel for you, even though I’ve always known you despise it. I whispered in your ear a request my head had prohibited.
“I need to talk to you. I don’t want, I NEED to talk to you. I miss you so much…”
Your response was as evasive as I knew it would be.
“Give this week. Right now I have more pressing matters in my mind.”
I told you I would wait, meanwhile, time continued to scurry away. One day... three days... the weekend came and went and I didn’t hear from you. I began thinking that you had forgotten all about me, that maybe I had really messed things up; that’s when I decided to just [leave; to never disturb your life again, given as you had already erased my existence from it and you were trying to erase yours from mine. Consciously or not, everyday you slither away from me, you are cutting my soul. Bit by bit, you're leaving the hole of your absence; my hollow chest is where the rest of my body and existence are joined together. Each glimpse my eyes catch of you is a drop of acid to the remains of my heart...
To this day I am waiting. In my dreams you keep coming back, holding me and saying that it doesn't matter what I did; that you forgive me and that you will, in time, trust in me again; that you won't ever let me leave and that you will be patient and shake some sense into me or wait for me if I ever do that once more. Whatever it is left of my heart still consumes itself in the flames of the love I have for you.
I'm sorry, and I miss you so, so much...
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