Today I let you have the pleasure of seeing me squirm under your moronic and tactless attitude. You made me so angry, that I did more stupid things today than all last year's time. I took the bother of caring too much for you, and I knew that I could end like this. I never knew however, that you could have such an effect on me. I won't let you do this ever again.

I knew you never gave me a place, you never valued me as a human being; I now realize that you only wanted to get benefits of me, that I didn't matter at all, that whatever I did was not important, that all you care about is you.

So don't get me wrong this time: sod off. I was so wrong when I even became friends with you. I don't regret it, because I learnt many things out of it, but sod off. Burn in hell because you've just created your worst enemy. Sometimes when you seek indifference to avoid hurting anyone that's the last thing you'll get, without hurting that person, but torturing yourself. One day, mark my words, you'll end just worse than you are now.

We could have talked, we could have come to an easy end, we could have had so much... But you threw it all away.

And I made the same mistake as you did. But unlike you, I'm willing to accept my mistakes, learn from them and try to repair what moronically I broke.

You will never get to me again. This is farewell, this is end, this is closure, this is not hate, but revenge, this is not a peaceful lapse, this means war in a way you never knew, this is more than only a "you'll pay"...

As for those who I hurt, or the relationships I mutilated: I'm sorry. Truly sorry. And this time I do regret behaving the way I did towards you. I never meant to be so stupid, but sometimes you can't help being who and what you are. I really want to talk this and mend whatever damage I caused by being so empty - headed.

This is also a farewell to everything anyone ever knew me for. Goodbye to everything I thought I am. Goodbye to the certainty, the security, the holding on onto people, things, feelings or anything else. Goodbye to the confidences, to the so called feeling of belonging, to the warmth of an embrace, to the need of fitting into a group, to the stupid hope of finding someone that would love me for me other than myself, to the pointless efforts of doing what socially is correct, cause what is correct for others is not always right for me.

Call me egotistical, envious, overprotective of myself, vile for any human existence. Do I really mind what other people think of me? I think the answer is pretty obvious: NO. But again, if I do not take care of myself, who else is going to do so?

Goodbye...

How many times can a girl cry in one single day? How many can I? Cause I feel completely soaked in my own pain, my own confusion, but my heart and eyes feel as soil that has been through many years of draught.

How is anybody supposed to feel when the person comes to realize that he or she doesn't know anything about him or herself anymore?

How to make decisions if you don't even know what your options are? How to keep up with a pace that's too slow for the world, but way too fast for you? How can I keep a bit of hope if nothing's alright?

Today I cried as I had never done before. I cried for desperation, for frustration, for an unjustified loneliness, and perhaps for a bit of a broken heart. Today I saw what I had refused to see in many months, Today I realized that I've fooled myself into believing I had something. Today Someone made me see that I'm not who I thought I am.

I felt every tiny dream smash into millions of tinier pieces, just the same way my tears broke when they hit the pages of my oldest diary, the same one I began when I felt that nothing was alright too. Six years ago was that. I saw the ink beginning to fade away with each salty droplet I shed.

I just wanted to end it all... but I couldn't bring myself to just drop my broken mind to the bin of an unsteady thought. I couldn't manage to pour the venom of desolation down the path of my sore throat, that was almost shouting in to the silence of my scream to please stop the torture of seeing myself loosing everything I never had...

Can someone please tell me where I went wrong? When did I turn into the street of nothingness? When did my mind began suppressing my wishes?

Because today I feel like an empty shell, a dry well, a lifeless body, a zero to the left...

Desde lo más profundo de un deprimido corazón...

"¡Corazón insensato!" exclamo para mí, "¡déjate ya de fantasías inocuas, las cuales solo te harán sufrir! Olvida todo lo que alguna vez te hizo soñar; deja flotando sobre el romper de las olas lo que llegó a ser génesis de sonrisas, toma mi dolor y haz con él lo que gustéis. ¡Oh, inocente corazón dolorido! ¿Qué hacer si todo lo sientes perdido?

"Huye de este lugar, vuela alto y sin mirar atrás, donde jamás encontrarás lo que buscas. Un sólo adiós, que espero sea suficiente para quien en vida te conoció hasta donde tú le dejaste...

"Oh bendito veneno del odio, origen de este nihilismo que me orilla a desconfiar incluso de mí, actúa ya en pro de la liberación del alma moribunda, en salvación del desamparo espiritual...

"No prolongues más ésta sensación de un vacío medio lleno de aquello que hiere. Deja brotar la sangre que purificará cada centímetro de mi pecadora piel a los ojos de mi prófuga conciencia...

"Calla ya tu dulce pero débil palpitar, detén de una buena vez tu autómata ritmo que no responde a voz sentimiento o pensamiento de ésta insolente portadora..."

Y una vez más me pregunto el por qué de las cosas. Una vez más quedo decepcionada de mi capacidad de entendimiento.

¿Es qué acaso soy la única que se da cuenta de su verdadera pequeñez? ¿O es qué tal vez es por mis estúpidas aspiraciones de grandeza que me obligo a aceptar mi incapacidad para querer? ¿O será que simplemente no he de ser lo que necesito ser?

¿Cómo saber cuándo es el momento de parar? ¿Cuándo...?

Darkness, sweetnes, some loneliness and Voilà!

What can you do when everything is falling apart? Whenever you look around for an open door but all you see is despair? How can you not feel less than nothing? How can you ever succeed if feeling that way?

How can there be hope, when all you perceive is trouble? How come you can be all happy and one instant later be feeling like crap?

How many sincere smiles can you draw on your face when everything is far from alright? How come the people you know can't tell a fake and put up smile from a genuine? Why is it that whenever you need all the help you can get, none is offered? Why is it that whenever you need stability, all your world crumbles at your feet?

Whenever you feel like dying, pouring all those guilts out of your heart; whenever you want out of something but there's no exit; whenever your essence is changing and you don't know why; whenever someone's trying to make you feel better, but there are only empty or not so empty words...

Die. Just do whatever you please, let loose that instinct if you're brave enough.

Cause depression is not as bad as they draw it. Cause sometimes the exit is just what you want it to be. Cause maybe, whatever on the contrary is said, we are alone... Cause in the end, no one else is going to be there, just you, yourself and your guts if you've got them...

Cause the goal of life of human being is to stay here after dying, to leave something of your own for the next generations to acknowledge you, but what can you leave when you're only seventeen?

Perhaps just your space, a bit more of oxygen, a bit of sadness to those who might have appreciated you in life. But you never transcended. You never left anything to be remembered for. And after some months you'll only be a memory, years later you'll only be an idea, and then, you'll never be here again... Everything you lived would be erased as if anything ever existed...

So... just die, at your own hands. Never be afraid of anything... Best to die young and whole, than having to deal with the emptiness of age...