México DF a 6 de Diciembre de 2007

Hace un par de horas encontré entre mis papeles una carta tuya; una de las pocas que me escribiste durante los 4 meses tres días que duró nuestra relación.

Cuando la leí, no sabes el montón de recuerdos que me vinieron a la cabeza. Unos muy padres, otros no tanto, pero todos igualmente importantes.

En ésa carta me decías como te sentías en uno de los tantos lapsos en los que nos habíamos peleado. Me explicabas que pensaste tanto tú como tu contraparte cuando platicaste con Esteban. También mencionabas fragmentos de tu historia que fueron razones para que llegaras al estado en el que estás.

“Pase lo que pase yo te amaré, aunque sea otro amor no correspondido, y hoy haré lo que nunca… luchar por nuestra relación; no hay mucho detalle en esta carta, pero eso sí… no me rendiré”.

Cuando leí ese párrafo en específico, no pude evitar preguntarme ¿qué paso con ello? Y después de una buena reflexión, sólo me quede con más dudas.

Recordando más momentos me di cuenta que ambos cometimos errores… y ninguno de los dos supimos manejar las situaciones que vinieron con ellos, y mucho menos pedir perdón.

¿Sabes? Creo que de haber sido un poco más comprensivos, honestos y justos y de habernos tenido un poco más de respeto, nuestra relación hubiera seguido y si no, al menos no estaríamos actuando de esta manera absurda e inmadura.

Hay una canción que es de mis favoritas y dice “siempre supe que es mejor, cuando hay que hablar de dos, empezar por uno mismo”, así que tomaré el consejo.

Pues… la verdad es que no sé que decir. Sé que tengo ‘n’ cantidad de fallas, defectos, etc. Sé que llegué a colmarte la paciencia en varias ocasiones y a hacerte sentir fatal en otras tantas. Te pido disculpas por eso.

¿Sabes otra cosa? Yo no planeaba pedir perdón. Creo que eso quedo más que claro en aquel TecFest, ¿no? Pero algo que me dijo una amiga me hizo pensar y creo que demuestro madurez y calidad humana al hacerlo.

Tú decías que temías quedarte solo, que necesitabas sentirte querido. Lamento no haber llenado tus expectativas. Realmente lo lamento, porque fuiste para mí una persona importante.

Pero basta de hablar de mí, es hora de preguntar: ¿realmente me amaste? ¿qué esperabas de mí?, ¿crees que fui un error?, ¿te fui importante o solo fui alguien o algo más?

A veces pienso que fue un error de ambos tener una relación más allá de la amistad que teníamos. Mira a lo que nos llevó, a ni siquiera poder ser corteses…

Sé que muy probablemente esta carta se vaya a la basura, que haya sido una pérdida de tiempo escribirla, pero me era necesario hacerlo. Necesitaba cerrar el ciclo que había quedado inconcluso hasta hoy.

Sé que tienes una nueva relación y de verdad os deseo lo mejor. Espero que ella sí te pueda dar lo que yo no pude. Deseo de todo corazón que te vaya bien en la vida, que consigas alcanzar todas tus metas, que sepas entender que todos cometemos errores, que no siempre ni toda la gente quiere hacerte daño.

Pero sobre todas las cosas, deseo que encuentres a una mujer que pueda realmente ayudarte a salir de la depresión en la que estás; una mujer que pueda borrar esos momentos de desolación y llene tu existencia de luz y amor.

Te amé, pero es hora de seguir adelante…

Dame dos razones para odiarte, para no clavarme en el corazón la idea de ti, para evadir tus miradas de indiferencia.

Dame dos más para alejarme, para volverme nada más que indeseable, para no sentirme débil.

Porque todo fue razón para enamorarme, y no puedo. No quiero verme llorar de nuevo. No puedo perder lo que jamás tuve pero siempre sentí. No debo perder de una forma absurda la visión de la justicia.

Ódiame, ya que lo merezco, ignórame ya que no valgo el estar contigo, despréciame, porque todo en mí es sustituible y mejorable, olvídame, porque no hice nada trascendente, bórrame de tu vida pues no hice más que lastimarte.

Sé que ofrecí mi amistad. Pero no lo logro aun intentándolo. Y en este momento por mucho que me duela, prefiero no tenerte cerca que lastimándonos mutuamente. No quiero lástima. Quiero que me quieras como yo te quiero. Y duele saber que no lo tengo.

Te valoro como persona, porque sé que eres libre, porque respeto tus pensamientos y tus emociones. Y porque a mis ojos eres mejor que tantos otros, te pido desde lo más profundo de mi alma dos razones para no quererte.

Anda ya, con ellas terminarías mi sufrimiento. Con ellas me liberarías del embrujo que sobre mi lanzaste sin saberlo. Ahora que sabes el estado en el que estoy, podrías entender por qué me alejo.

Quiero ser libre. Quiero no llorar. Quiero poder ser, sin causar conmiseración. Quiero poder hablar abiertamente. Quiero…

Pero solo si tu me das lo que pido…

So please just leave. Never mind the state I'm in, because one day I'll be fine again.

Pursue your happiness. Go & find the one that'll make you whole; the one that'll lift your worries, hurt & fear & turn them into peace, joy & strength. Someone that will turn your sun on & your nights into the most sincere expression of love.

I know I'm not the one that can do for you all those beautiful things. I feel the lack of enthusiasm you feel when talking to me. I can see the light leave your eyes whenever we’re left alone…

So, oh my darling, go. Fly as far as you want. Leave me here drowning in my pain, for I’d rather die than make you stay when your heart is far away.

And yet I'm here tonight crying over nothing in particular.

I lie on my bed thinking of something I'm not aware of recreating in my mind... Where are those cheerful moments? Where's the laugh that always was inside my mouth? Where's the tenderness I used to feel for anybody else? Where's the mercy I tried to show to those who needed it? Where's my hope? Where's my love? Where, in the bloody hell, is my humanity? What's left of it?

I feel my tears rolling down my cheeks. I stand up and walk to my mirror and whom I see is no one I can recognize. I stare and ask the creature that's staring back. What is it? Who is it? How did I became into it? Was it me building castles in the air? Were the stupid little daydreams I used to have while I was supposed to be paying attention?

I'm still staring at it, directly to its eyes. And then, only for an instant, I see that the creature's almost as lost as I am. I try to help it find its way, and suddenly the creature becomes something I should have been more prepared to see. I almost screamed when I realized the creature was me!

A little bit more calmed, I crawl back into my bed. I will let my heart wash away whatever he's feeling throughout my tears. I'm alone, so there's nobody who'll make fun of me...

And without taking notice, I fall asleep, going to my secret place, when everything's what I want it to be...

I thank you: for making me laconic, for my inexpressiveness whenever I feel I might hurt others; for making me so incredibly intelligent as for being aware of when I'm being incredibly stupid, even to the point of falling in love; for making me realize that love may be beautiful, but that will always make you cry; for making me admit what is fair for someone and give more importance to it than to whatever I may desire with all my heart; for making my heart fragile and transparent but thank you too for giving me so many weapons to help me protect it; thank you for the bitterness, for the pain, for the loneliness, because Oh, Lord! they alone make me feel alive...

Thank you: for giving me your friendship instead of making me think that I could hope for something else; for being honest, because although it stung my heart as a needle in my fingertip, I appreciate it much more than a pitiful lie; for not minding whatever I may feel or might have felt for you; for giving me another reason to avoid love...

Thank you: for being there; for forcing me into accepting the feelings that I had been neglecting for a while; for helping me realize what's wrong; for slapping (almost literally) some sense into me and making me come down to Earth; for letting me confide in you and you confiding in me (although I may be sometimes a complete... prat); for everything we've shared...

Thank you for showing me that you're a person that knows how to love, even if someone's played many times with your heart; for showing me the real meaning of forgiveness...

Today I let you have the pleasure of seeing me squirm under your moronic and tactless attitude. You made me so angry, that I did more stupid things today than all last year's time. I took the bother of caring too much for you, and I knew that I could end like this. I never knew however, that you could have such an effect on me. I won't let you do this ever again.

I knew you never gave me a place, you never valued me as a human being; I now realize that you only wanted to get benefits of me, that I didn't matter at all, that whatever I did was not important, that all you care about is you.

So don't get me wrong this time: sod off. I was so wrong when I even became friends with you. I don't regret it, because I learnt many things out of it, but sod off. Burn in hell because you've just created your worst enemy. Sometimes when you seek indifference to avoid hurting anyone that's the last thing you'll get, without hurting that person, but torturing yourself. One day, mark my words, you'll end just worse than you are now.

We could have talked, we could have come to an easy end, we could have had so much... But you threw it all away.

And I made the same mistake as you did. But unlike you, I'm willing to accept my mistakes, learn from them and try to repair what moronically I broke.

You will never get to me again. This is farewell, this is end, this is closure, this is not hate, but revenge, this is not a peaceful lapse, this means war in a way you never knew, this is more than only a "you'll pay"...

As for those who I hurt, or the relationships I mutilated: I'm sorry. Truly sorry. And this time I do regret behaving the way I did towards you. I never meant to be so stupid, but sometimes you can't help being who and what you are. I really want to talk this and mend whatever damage I caused by being so empty - headed.

This is also a farewell to everything anyone ever knew me for. Goodbye to everything I thought I am. Goodbye to the certainty, the security, the holding on onto people, things, feelings or anything else. Goodbye to the confidences, to the so called feeling of belonging, to the warmth of an embrace, to the need of fitting into a group, to the stupid hope of finding someone that would love me for me other than myself, to the pointless efforts of doing what socially is correct, cause what is correct for others is not always right for me.

Call me egotistical, envious, overprotective of myself, vile for any human existence. Do I really mind what other people think of me? I think the answer is pretty obvious: NO. But again, if I do not take care of myself, who else is going to do so?

Goodbye...

How many times can a girl cry in one single day? How many can I? Cause I feel completely soaked in my own pain, my own confusion, but my heart and eyes feel as soil that has been through many years of draught.

How is anybody supposed to feel when the person comes to realize that he or she doesn't know anything about him or herself anymore?

How to make decisions if you don't even know what your options are? How to keep up with a pace that's too slow for the world, but way too fast for you? How can I keep a bit of hope if nothing's alright?

Today I cried as I had never done before. I cried for desperation, for frustration, for an unjustified loneliness, and perhaps for a bit of a broken heart. Today I saw what I had refused to see in many months, Today I realized that I've fooled myself into believing I had something. Today Someone made me see that I'm not who I thought I am.

I felt every tiny dream smash into millions of tinier pieces, just the same way my tears broke when they hit the pages of my oldest diary, the same one I began when I felt that nothing was alright too. Six years ago was that. I saw the ink beginning to fade away with each salty droplet I shed.

I just wanted to end it all... but I couldn't bring myself to just drop my broken mind to the bin of an unsteady thought. I couldn't manage to pour the venom of desolation down the path of my sore throat, that was almost shouting in to the silence of my scream to please stop the torture of seeing myself loosing everything I never had...

Can someone please tell me where I went wrong? When did I turn into the street of nothingness? When did my mind began suppressing my wishes?

Because today I feel like an empty shell, a dry well, a lifeless body, a zero to the left...

Desde lo más profundo de un deprimido corazón...

"¡Corazón insensato!" exclamo para mí, "¡déjate ya de fantasías inocuas, las cuales solo te harán sufrir! Olvida todo lo que alguna vez te hizo soñar; deja flotando sobre el romper de las olas lo que llegó a ser génesis de sonrisas, toma mi dolor y haz con él lo que gustéis. ¡Oh, inocente corazón dolorido! ¿Qué hacer si todo lo sientes perdido?

"Huye de este lugar, vuela alto y sin mirar atrás, donde jamás encontrarás lo que buscas. Un sólo adiós, que espero sea suficiente para quien en vida te conoció hasta donde tú le dejaste...

"Oh bendito veneno del odio, origen de este nihilismo que me orilla a desconfiar incluso de mí, actúa ya en pro de la liberación del alma moribunda, en salvación del desamparo espiritual...

"No prolongues más ésta sensación de un vacío medio lleno de aquello que hiere. Deja brotar la sangre que purificará cada centímetro de mi pecadora piel a los ojos de mi prófuga conciencia...

"Calla ya tu dulce pero débil palpitar, detén de una buena vez tu autómata ritmo que no responde a voz sentimiento o pensamiento de ésta insolente portadora..."

Y una vez más me pregunto el por qué de las cosas. Una vez más quedo decepcionada de mi capacidad de entendimiento.

¿Es qué acaso soy la única que se da cuenta de su verdadera pequeñez? ¿O es qué tal vez es por mis estúpidas aspiraciones de grandeza que me obligo a aceptar mi incapacidad para querer? ¿O será que simplemente no he de ser lo que necesito ser?

¿Cómo saber cuándo es el momento de parar? ¿Cuándo...?

Darkness, sweetnes, some loneliness and Voilà!

What can you do when everything is falling apart? Whenever you look around for an open door but all you see is despair? How can you not feel less than nothing? How can you ever succeed if feeling that way?

How can there be hope, when all you perceive is trouble? How come you can be all happy and one instant later be feeling like crap?

How many sincere smiles can you draw on your face when everything is far from alright? How come the people you know can't tell a fake and put up smile from a genuine? Why is it that whenever you need all the help you can get, none is offered? Why is it that whenever you need stability, all your world crumbles at your feet?

Whenever you feel like dying, pouring all those guilts out of your heart; whenever you want out of something but there's no exit; whenever your essence is changing and you don't know why; whenever someone's trying to make you feel better, but there are only empty or not so empty words...

Die. Just do whatever you please, let loose that instinct if you're brave enough.

Cause depression is not as bad as they draw it. Cause sometimes the exit is just what you want it to be. Cause maybe, whatever on the contrary is said, we are alone... Cause in the end, no one else is going to be there, just you, yourself and your guts if you've got them...

Cause the goal of life of human being is to stay here after dying, to leave something of your own for the next generations to acknowledge you, but what can you leave when you're only seventeen?

Perhaps just your space, a bit more of oxygen, a bit of sadness to those who might have appreciated you in life. But you never transcended. You never left anything to be remembered for. And after some months you'll only be a memory, years later you'll only be an idea, and then, you'll never be here again... Everything you lived would be erased as if anything ever existed...

So... just die, at your own hands. Never be afraid of anything... Best to die young and whole, than having to deal with the emptiness of age...

A Dawn of Realization...

Some time ago, I thought I was a completely fearless girl, that could go into anything without hesitation; that could skip almost every task without the uneasiness of being afraid... But, oh, I was so wrong...

This semester, my friends have been too keen on making me realize what I am really afraid of; and it's something only people that love unconditionally can be afraid of: I am terrified of losing those I love.

Yup, my friends have been scarring me all the way to hell and back. I'm not afraid of death, nor afraid of dying, I AM afraid of seeing how my friends and family lose their will to live; of listening to their voices saying that they surrender, that they give up their lives. Because dying of something unexpected or expected but not always given a lot of importance is quite different from dying because you want to, or rather because you don't want to live any more... There is a little but substantial difference between them

Loneliness... I've been never afraid of it, because being with myself is enough for me when nobody else is around. I'll never be lonely because I'll always be with myself.

What happens when a warrior decides to stop fighting for what he believes, loves and wants?

Am not? Are too?

"So... what am I thinking? Or else, Why do I think what ever is on my mind today? Why the hell whatever other people say and do affects me in ways that SHOULD NOT affect me?"

A lonely teen age girl thought of this while walking down a narrow street. Rain was soaking her short, wavy dark brown hair, as well as her cheerful clothing, that in that moment had nothing to do with how was she feeling. Confusion, excitement and and worry were making a pool for themselves out of her mind and heart. And she didn't quite like it.

"God damn it! I'm such a wreck right now! My mother is always nagging me about my horribly untidy room, but as Einstein said: 'I'd rather have a messy desk, than a messy mind!' But now what? A mess in my feelings, in my ideas and in my room... this has got to an unacceptable extreme...!"

She stopped, looked at her surroundings and sighed. In an access of utter madness, she opened her arms to the skies and twirled while wearing a smile that was a bit bitter, a bit sincere and a bit unsure...

Hello!

Hi!

This is a space that I created by mere convincing labour of a friend of mine. (I do hope this friend of mine visits this blog and leaves some comments)...

Well, as an important note... I tend to write both in Spanish and in English... and perhaps in bit more in French too... So don't get too surprised if suddenly you see a post in my mother language and then in my second one.

Now... I only write whenever my emotions are overwhelming (and whenever I have time), but I'm a rather passionate girl, so Maybe you'll see me around many times.

Perhaps whatever I write here helps you one way or another... or at least entertains you...

For now this is all I wanted to say.

Till the next postage.

MEL